When they told me I was pregnant with twins, I couldn't believe my ears. I was 30 years old and not once had got pregnant. I had no real reason, but in my heart I just never thought it would happen and when it did I was so excited! Then to be blessed with TWINS, I'm not going to lie.. I cried at first as Zach was laughing with joy. The thought of taking care of two babies at once scared the living crap out of me. After leaving the Dr.'s office and the initial shock I was absolutely in love with the idea of having twins and I couldn't wait to be a mom of Twins! I embraced it with every ounce of love I had.
Because we were having twins, we were considered High Risk and had to go to Mt. Carmel West every two weeks for High Risk Ultrasounds. There they discovered that I was pregnant with Monoamniotic - Monochorionic Twins, which meant they were sharing the same placenta but were in their own amniotic sacs. The complications with this particular type of twins can be TTTS, Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, which is when one twin receives the majority of the nourishment, causing the other twin to become undernourished.
As the weeks went by, this did not appear to be an issue with our twin girls. They were both growing perfect. By the 3rd trimester everything was going great still. We had started going for ultrasounds once a week. The girls looked great. At 33 weeks they were both up to 5 lbs. a piece inside of me. This meant I was carrying over 10 lbs. of baby and felt great!
At my 33 week visit at Mt. Carmel for an ultrasound they decided to start having me do the weekly Non Stress Test (NST). Isabella passed her test in no time, Olivia on the other hand took much longer to pass, roughly an hour. This was a little concerning to Zach and I, but in my heart I just had a feeling that Olivia wouldn't have as much energy as Isabella. If you know us, thinking Isabella was taking after my crazy energetic butt and Olivia after her laid back father :)
34.5 Weeks and the day I had the girls.
The following week, I went in for my NST at my Dr.'s Office here in Grove City. At this point I was 34.5 weeks along and it was Monday, March 4th around 2pm. Once again Isabella was passing in no time, but Olivia's heart rate was very low and was not getting any higher. My doctors were concerned with this and sent me to Mt. Carmel right away, telling me not to worry,
but we may be having babies today.
I left the office trying not to panic. This was the one visit that I told Zach not to take off work or worry about coming to. I called him to let him know and of coarse this would be the day he was on a run to Cincinnati. I told him not to worry, but head to the hospital when he was finished with his run. Luckily my mom was able to leave work and meet me there.
They got me in and back in the room and all hooked up. They found Isabella's heart rate right away, but they were having issues finding Olivia's. This moment I'm about to tell you about will haunt me forever... The room got very very quiet. They kept telling me they couldn't find her heart rate, but they kept trying. Finally after several doctors tried to locate it, they had to tell me that Olivia had passed. I didn't believe them. In my mind I kept feeling her move and that made me think she was still breathing. After several times of telling me and several doctors, I still didn't want to believe it. I had my mom call Zach to tell him he needed to get there right away, but didn't want to tell him over the phone. I felt like I was in a horrible nightmare. I can't even put into words how bad I was mentally hurting.
Isabella was in no harm and if Zach could get there soon, my doctors told me we could wait to deliver when he got there. Zach finally got there and everyone left the room and I had to tell him the hardest thing I've ever experienced in my life, that one of his baby girls had passed inside of me. There was not much time to show emotion or take it all in, as it was time to head back to deliver these babies.
Hearing Isabella cry for the first time was the most amazing sound I had ever heard. I couldn't hold her right away and that was so hard. Next they delivered Olivia and they asked me if I wanted to hold her. It was the most bittersweet moment of my life. Holding my sweet Stillborn Olivia in my arms while listening to the joyous cry of my Isabella.
Olivia was 4 lbs. 13.5 oz. 17" long and Isabella was 4 lbs. 9 oz. 17" long
So much was a blur after that. When I went back to recovery I got to hold both of my girls together.
It was so hard to let them go. Olivia was already gone and Isabella had to be rushed to the NICU to be put on a C-PAP Machine.
The following day Isabella was able to come off the C-PAP machine. She was Jaundice and had to have phototheraphy for several days until her bilirubin came down.
As she was going through phototheraphy she also had to learn to eat on her own. This was a little trying since she was 5.5 weeks early and needed the assistance of a feeding tube.
We worked with her everyday in the NICU trying to get her to eat on her own. I would get so excited when she would take 5 mls and you mothers know that is hardly anything.
They released me from the hospital after 7 days. While I was in there we had to make decisions I didn't think I would ever have to make in my life. Not only did we have a baby in the NICU, we had to make decisions about our sweet Angel Olivia. Were we going to have an autopsy done? Were we going to bury her? Cremate her? What funeral home would we choose? Were we going to have to funds to cover it all? There is no way to explain the feelings I had of meeting with a funeral director and then going to see our baby girl in the NICU all in the same day.
We decided to have Olivia cremated after a small private showing. Zach and I had never thought about where we would reside when we passed, so this way she could stay with us as the years pass and someday go where ever our remains go. For now her ashes remain in a beautiful Crescent Moon Urn in our home. For some reason Crescent Moons make me think of Olivia and now my Mom and I see them all the time in random places. It's like she's trying to tell us she's here and giving us some sort of comfort.
After 10 days in the NICU they gave us the most incredible yet scary news, she gets to go home! I was so excited yet nervous at the same time. In the NICU she had constant professional care. At home we were on our own.
If it wasn't for the amazing staff at Mt. Carmel West's NICU and Labor and Delivery, I don't know how we would have made it through those 10 days. They were absolutely amazing, not to mention my doctor and midwife team. I am grateful we got to have this experience with such and amazing team.
Isabella was 10 days old when we got to bring her home. She left weighing 4 lbs. 12 oz. 17" long. She is now 11 weeks 10 lbs. 5 oz. 20.5" long and doing great! Her pediatrician says she's perfect :) We are BLESSED.
The other day I got a call that they had finally received autopsy results. The autopsy was full of a lot of big medical terms that I didn't quite understand, but how Isabella's pediatrician explained it to me made sense.
Olivia had an indentation in the main artery that went to her heart. He asked me if I had ever seen a tree that had an obstacle in the way and the tree grew around it. He said that is basically what looks like happened. Something was pushing into her main artery as she was growing and caused an indentation, which was not allowing the proper blood flow to her brain.
This is something that was not caught during the High Risk Ultrasounds. Considering she was growing just right, her and Isabella were only ever at the most 8 oz. apart in size, who would have thought there was anything wrong.
I am trying to be at peace with it all, as it continues to be a healing process. I am just so incredibly
grateful for our miracle baby Isabella. She amazes me every single day. I will continue to be strong and focus on her. She needs me and there is nothing I can do about the past, but there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about my Olivia and what it could have been. I will love both of my babies always and this experience has changed my life forever.
This is the photo they took of her in the hospital a few days after passing.
RIP Our Sweet Angel Olivia Linsey Adams <3
Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support. If it wasn't for my best friend and partner in life, Zach and the rest of my family and friends I might just be a mess. I love you all very much.
Thank you for letting me tell my story.
